Mike Bubbins
The Socially Distant Sports Bar was one of the podcast saviours of lockdown, taking us into a virtual world of talking sport with beer in hand. At its heart was comedian, writer and actor Mike Bubbins, together with fellow comic Elis James and journalist Steff Garrero.
A story about shoulder pads launched our podcast. We went a bit viral after that one was clipped up. I was at UWIC [the University of Wales Institute Cardiff] in 1995 and we were playing against Treviso, who had just won the Italian Championship. I was captain and we were all getting changed when the ref came in. It was the first season that shoulder pads had come in and the ref says: “Word please skipper... right, take your pads off.”
“But they’re rugby pads ref.”
“They’re illegal.”
“No, they’re not illegal.”
“They’re illegal, get ‘em off.”
So, I told the boys to get their pads off but before the ref left he said, ‘as it’s not a league match, if the Italian boys are wearing shoulder pads, I’ll let you keep yours on.’ Two minutes later he comes back in.
“Skipper can I have a word please? Put the pads back on please, and tell the boys to as well.”
I said: “I guess the Italian boys have got shoulder pads on as well?”
He said: “No, they are absolutely fucking massive!”
Treviso were massive. But we beat them, 45-44, although I got knocked out. Out like a light. They had a player who looked like Dolph Lundgren’s big brother and he was terrorising us. I grabbed him at one point and had a bit of a ding-dong, he punched me and both nostrils went. The referee was right there and I said, ‘are you going to send him off for that?’ He said, ‘I’m refereeing this game, I’ll send you off in a minute.’ So, I gave this player a kicking in the next ruck. That was a bad move. At the next lineout, I made the call at the back and the next thing I remember, I was looking at the sky. I couldn’t really walk but I came back on in the second half after some smelling salts, as you did in those days. I was in the bath afterwards asking the boys, ‘how did we get on?’
My rugby career could have been different. I think professionalism happened five years too early for me, I played for Cardiff Youth and had been in the Welsh Schools U18s and the Welsh Youth U19s but it was all amateur at the time. Some of the players I played with and against – Scott Quinnell, Wayne Proctor, Neil Boobyer, Nathan Budgett, Geraint Lewis, Ben Evans – went on to play for Wales.
I was a real idiot. I had a short fuse and would say the wrong things to the wrong people. I had a big falling out with John Scott, who was the Cardiff coach when I was 18 or 19. I was a flanker and I wanted to get in the first team at Cardiff even though Richie Collins, who was playing for Wales at the time, wasn’t even starting. I said, ‘put me in the first team, what are you doing?’ John said, ‘well, internationals aren’t even in the first team.’ I said, ‘I’m better than them, put me in the first team’. I’d already ballsed up school and now I’d now ballsed up youth rugby. So, I went to Canada and enjoyed myself for three or four years, before returning to UWIC as a mature student.
I was Exeter’s strength coach when Rob Baxter was captain. I was doing my teacher training course down there at the same time. Ricky Pellow was playing scrum half at the time and it’s nice to see them, and the club, doing so well. I loved it down there and I did think, ‘maybe I could have another chance in rugby?’. But it wasn’t until I was 30 that I got properly fit again and got a semi-professional contract with Glamorgan Wanderers. I was fit and playing regularly in the backrow but I detached my bicep and that was it. It was me done.
Welsh rugby was very snobby. I’m from Barry, which is more blue collar than a lot of Wales and you sort of knew that if you were from a certain part of the country you probably weren’t going to get a fair crack of the whip and that rankled with me and seethed away below the surface. I remember I played for East Wales against West Wales and we battered them at Stradey Park in Llanelli. It was supposed to be a Welsh Schools trial but the vast majority of that West Wales team ended up being the Wales team even though we’d hammered them. In Wales then, rugby was a Welsh-language clique, with a leaning towards certain schools. But that’s life, that’s the way it was. It is better now.
I came back to rugby 12 years ago. My son got into it from a young age and joined the local club and I started coaching them. I now go and watch Cardiff play, I go to internationals. It’s pleasing to do, especially as the, ‘what if, what ifs’ have gone. I’m 49 years of age so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get picked for Wales! It’s been great to fall in love with the game again. It’s my boy’s birthday in a couple of weeks so we’re going to see Exeter v Saracens in Devon, that’s going to be great.
We’re doing an arena gig for the podcast. It’s for the Six Nations next year, in Cardiff, before the Scotland match. It’s a 4,000-seater something like that so it’s going to be crazy. We’re going to have guests for the first time too which is exciting. We’ll have Jonathan Davies – Jiffy – and Kelly Brown, the ex-Scotland captain and now Saracens coach. He’s a great bloke is Kelly.
Rugby can’t forget its core audience. You can’t take it for granted, you’ve got to build it. I know lot of people who once watched rugby don’t go anymore. They don’t want to watch someone stand up to go and take a leak every five minutes, they want to enjoy the game. In the old days, you’d have a skinful, go to the stadium – where there wasn’t a bar or toilets – and you were jammed in to watch the 80 minutes, then went to the pub afterwards. I love the traditional side of rugby and you throw that away at your peril.
Jiffy was the best player I ever saw play live. In that same side, Mark Ring was an absolute wizard in the centre. But in terms of leaders in a side, I’ll get hauled over the coals for this back home, but Martin Johnson was fantastic for England and a proper talisman. Others that come to mind are Canada’s Al Charron, who’s since become a friend which is weird. I used to love watching Michael Jones play for New Zealand and like every rugby person I have ever met, I loved watching Jonah Lomu. I had the video of 101 Great Tries on VHS tape and David Duckham has more tries on that than anyone else; when Jason Robinson came in from rugby league, there was no-one else like him; oh, and Jean-Pierre Rives. He was hard and cool.
I went to the Wales-New Zealand match. The Principality was sold out, and – I don’t want to sound like Victor Meldrew but – the music was so loud and so bad. This was pre-match, during the match, after tries, I thought ‘no-one’s enjoying this’. I don’t want some DJ telling me to ‘give it up’ after a try. I’m perfectly capable of enjoying a try without them telling me to do that. I have done some stadium announcing before for Wales U20s and at the Welsh Varsity match, and you’re there to inform people, not be a DJ. If you ever hear me turn to a rugby crowd and shout ‘make some noise!!’ just throw a pint over my head. Let’s not lose sight of what it’s all about.
